Day 2 of my trip, and I am in Mississippi. Every time I’m in Mississippi, something weird happens. Accordingly, I find myself a little on edge tonight. Afraid of the dark, the unknown, that which presumably hides just beyond the beam of light.

Fear.

My past experiences inform my current interpretation of reality, and my interpretation of Mississippi is: shit gets weird. Look out.

I know I am safe in my cabin, so I lock myself in with a clear view of the door. Fear is funny that way, the way it dictates our behaviors and assumptions.

The reality that exists outside of my fears is: there are infinite circumstances out of my control. Worrying beyond a certain level of precaution becomes irrational, a spiraling cloud gathering all other thoughts into its vortex.

I know, rationally, there is a reality apart from the cloud of fear. Many meditation teachers call this reality, the blue sky. Our thoughts are like clouds that come, go, change over time and dissipate. We need not take our thoughts so seriously, but rather, remember the blue sky, remember a reality that exists outside of our limiting interpretations of reality.

Even if our interpretation of reality is rooted in some realness: my past experiences in Mississippi have been weird as fuck, so my survival brain reacts accordingly: protect, be aware. But I must also remember the blue sky.

I could spend my whole life living in fear, caught up in clouds that seem real, but these cloud-like thoughts are just that: coming, going, changing over time and eventually, dissipate.

I know I am safe tonight, and I’m sure I will sleep well, but there’s a lesson in the experience: our current interpretation of reality may be based on past experiences. My anxiety comes from my past weird experiences in Mississippi, and this feeling is natural, an animalistic instinct for self-preservation. However, if I were to live my whole life in fear based on two or three strange encounters, then I am just limiting myself. There exists an Infinite, big beautiful blue sky, and if I get too focused on the clouds (fear, anxiety, the need for self-preservation), then I miss out on the greatness of the present moment, and only there can one find true peace.

Good night, lovers. 

by: Amanda Kay Holstien, Sr.

Today is my first day on the road. I'm heading how to Texas and Louisiana to do 2 weeks of shows (come check them out & say hi!). 

I'm sitting in a cabin with my dog in Virginia, smoking a spliff (naturally). 

Sometimes it feels like my life is a dream - everything that has come together to bring me to this place here, now: the death of my father, my divorce, moving to New York on my own. Sometimes it feels like my life has already been written. Sometimes it feels like I'm the one who writes it. 

I'm turning 30 this month, which is significant in some symbolic way. Age is ultimately an arbitrary number used for measuring and categorization, but if that age ends in a zero, it somehow feels significant. I'm not bothered about turning 30. In some way, I've always felt like an old soul - studying the Bible instead of going to parties in high school. 

I don't believe in God in the same way I used to believe in God. I now believe that God or the Universe or Whatever is much bigger than our limited consciousness allows us to imagine. If there does exist some Divine Good far larger than the Universe itself, then surely that Infinite Being is much more complex than the dogma & rules we ascribe to It.

What I do believe is the Universe is inherently good. I can't explain in some analytic, logical way why or how evil exists if the Universe is inherently good, but I do know that with every struggle comes an opportunity for growth. With every road block and time things don't go perfectly, there also exists a chance to gain wisdom, insight and gain a deeper insight into the beautiful complexity that it is to exist.

It has taken an immense amount of faith to bring me to this cabin with my blind dog, smoking a spliff, but I have come to trust that the Universe is on my side the more I seek goodness, truth and authenticity. I'm aware what I'm saying might come off as hoakey or like Oprah's episode about The Secret, but stay with me as I explain.

Think about it this way: reality exists outside of our interpretation of it. For example: Let's say I am with a friend at lunch. At the end of our meal, the waiter brings us a free dessert. My friend loves dessert, and is thrilled at the blessing of chocolate cake without a fee. On the other hand, I am upset by the free cake because I am on a diet and the cake is a temptation for me, and if I eat it, I will gain weight and thus be unlovable (or something like that). The reality that exists outside of our interpretations is: the free cake given to us. In this situation, my friend and I have two totally different ways of interpreting the same reality: my friend is positive and grateful, while I am annoyed and riddled with anxiety.

Reality exists outside of our interpretation of it. There are multiple ways for us to interpret any given scenario of our lives: positively, negatively or with indifference. Ultimately, however, we have a choice on our interpretation. 

I recently decided to get rid of most my shit, buy a car to go on the road, tell jokes, sell art & smoke spliffs. After breaking up with my boyfriend, I was faced with many ways to interpret my life: who am I and what do I want for my life? I could choose to live in fear and play it safe, or I could choose to take a leap of faith and believe that the Universe is on my side.

What do I have to lose?

Since deciding to make the move & go on the road, so much goodness has come into my life. I've been booking a shit ton of road shows. Friends have offered me rooms and couches to sleep on. I've sold art. I've made money doing standup. 

It reminds me of the teaching of Jesus from the book of Matthew: "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

Putting aside gender being ascribed to an Infinite Being, I can still find a valuable interpretation of this teaching: seek goodness first and goodness will follow. Inevitably, things will go wrong, but inevitable things will also go right. I can interpret the world with negativity and anxiety while living in fear and doubt, or I can have faith and seek goodness, truth, honesty and authenticity.

There are multiple ways for me to interpret this moment in a cabin smoking a spliff with my blind dog, and there are multiple ways for me to see my future. I am not destined for a life that is out of my control. I will not sit passively by and just let life happen to me. Rather, I choose to have faith and trust that God or the Universe or Nature is inherently on my side. After all, I know that I have made it this far in my life through my 20s: through a divorce, the death of my father, moving to New York. I've made it this far and have come out stronger and wiser at the other end. Struggle is inevitable, but with every struggle is a blessing, and I will choose to be grateful for the free cake. 

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Often times, if you can get started, you're already halfway to your goal. Hesitation due to anxiety and fear of the unknown is a huge hinderance that is often based on inflated, inaccurate asumptions about "what's the worst that could happen." If you want to do something, try it! What's the worst that could happen?

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You get out of life what you put into it.

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It's the holidays; of course I'm sad.

When you’re a child, if you’ve had any luck in the world, the holidays are mostly good memories- lights, food, family, presents wrapped in fun paper topped with shiny bows. Appropriately, when you’re an adult, those good memories will make you sad: things have changed and so have you and so has everyone else.

It’s sad how things change. I’m not going to offer an inspiring message on how to suppress your feelings. I think it’s good to be sad and to let yourself feel sad. Perhaps the holidays can be a time to reflect, and with any luck, gain a deeper perspective.

Perspective and wisdom and real peace can only come from letting yourself feel the things you try to not let yourself feel.
 
During this time of year, it can be especially easy to just eat and eat (or drink) and let the invisible tension build while you try to drown it out with the flashing lights of the television and your electronic devices. That is certainly much easier and less messy than tears, than saying what you’re really feeling. Than opening up and being honest with the very people who will be with you for the rest of your life.

All I can offer you at this time of year is empathy. I know it’s hard, but perhaps it wouldn’t be a complete disaster if you let yourself really feel what you act like you’re not feeling. If you let yourself be honest with those who love you. If you let yourself be real. If you truly connected with your supposed loved ones. Maybe it would bring you all closer together.

Or maybe it will make you feel even more alone, but at least you’ll be alone with yourself. At least you’ll know what you’re really feeling. At least you’ll be aware and connected to yourself, rather than living in a tense, anxious repressed almost vegetative state.

I hope this reflection in helpful to you. Please remember that you’re not alone, and the holidays will be over soon.

Love and strength to you,
Amanda

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Change is possible though typically quite difficult. Sometimes change requires you go through a drug addiction, jail or have someone close to you die. And even then, that won't be enough if you don't want the change for yourself.

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It's mostly all in your head. 

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Both positively and negatively are equally possible ways to interpret the same reality.