Day 2 of my trip, and I am in Mississippi. Every time I’m in Mississippi, something weird happens. Accordingly, I find myself a little on edge tonight. Afraid of the dark, the unknown, that which presumably hides just beyond the beam of light.

Fear.

My past experiences inform my current interpretation of reality, and my interpretation of Mississippi is: shit gets weird. Look out.

I know I am safe in my cabin, so I lock myself in with a clear view of the door. Fear is funny that way, the way it dictates our behaviors and assumptions.

The reality that exists outside of my fears is: there are infinite circumstances out of my control. Worrying beyond a certain level of precaution becomes irrational, a spiraling cloud gathering all other thoughts into its vortex.

I know, rationally, there is a reality apart from the cloud of fear. Many meditation teachers call this reality, the blue sky. Our thoughts are like clouds that come, go, change over time and dissipate. We need not take our thoughts so seriously, but rather, remember the blue sky, remember a reality that exists outside of our limiting interpretations of reality.

Even if our interpretation of reality is rooted in some realness: my past experiences in Mississippi have been weird as fuck, so my survival brain reacts accordingly: protect, be aware. But I must also remember the blue sky.

I could spend my whole life living in fear, caught up in clouds that seem real, but these cloud-like thoughts are just that: coming, going, changing over time and eventually, dissipate.

I know I am safe tonight, and I’m sure I will sleep well, but there’s a lesson in the experience: our current interpretation of reality may be based on past experiences. My anxiety comes from my past weird experiences in Mississippi, and this feeling is natural, an animalistic instinct for self-preservation. However, if I were to live my whole life in fear based on two or three strange encounters, then I am just limiting myself. There exists an Infinite, big beautiful blue sky, and if I get too focused on the clouds (fear, anxiety, the need for self-preservation), then I miss out on the greatness of the present moment, and only there can one find true peace.

Good night, lovers. 

by: Amanda Kay Holstien, Sr.

Today is my first day on the road. I'm heading how to Texas and Louisiana to do 2 weeks of shows (come check them out & say hi!). 

I'm sitting in a cabin with my dog in Virginia, smoking a spliff (naturally). 

Sometimes it feels like my life is a dream - everything that has come together to bring me to this place here, now: the death of my father, my divorce, moving to New York on my own. Sometimes it feels like my life has already been written. Sometimes it feels like I'm the one who writes it. 

I'm turning 30 this month, which is significant in some symbolic way. Age is ultimately an arbitrary number used for measuring and categorization, but if that age ends in a zero, it somehow feels significant. I'm not bothered about turning 30. In some way, I've always felt like an old soul - studying the Bible instead of going to parties in high school. 

I don't believe in God in the same way I used to believe in God. I now believe that God or the Universe or Whatever is much bigger than our limited consciousness allows us to imagine. If there does exist some Divine Good far larger than the Universe itself, then surely that Infinite Being is much more complex than the dogma & rules we ascribe to It.

What I do believe is the Universe is inherently good. I can't explain in some analytic, logical way why or how evil exists if the Universe is inherently good, but I do know that with every struggle comes an opportunity for growth. With every road block and time things don't go perfectly, there also exists a chance to gain wisdom, insight and gain a deeper insight into the beautiful complexity that it is to exist.

It has taken an immense amount of faith to bring me to this cabin with my blind dog, smoking a spliff, but I have come to trust that the Universe is on my side the more I seek goodness, truth and authenticity. I'm aware what I'm saying might come off as hoakey or like Oprah's episode about The Secret, but stay with me as I explain.

Think about it this way: reality exists outside of our interpretation of it. For example: Let's say I am with a friend at lunch. At the end of our meal, the waiter brings us a free dessert. My friend loves dessert, and is thrilled at the blessing of chocolate cake without a fee. On the other hand, I am upset by the free cake because I am on a diet and the cake is a temptation for me, and if I eat it, I will gain weight and thus be unlovable (or something like that). The reality that exists outside of our interpretations is: the free cake given to us. In this situation, my friend and I have two totally different ways of interpreting the same reality: my friend is positive and grateful, while I am annoyed and riddled with anxiety.

Reality exists outside of our interpretation of it. There are multiple ways for us to interpret any given scenario of our lives: positively, negatively or with indifference. Ultimately, however, we have a choice on our interpretation. 

I recently decided to get rid of most my shit, buy a car to go on the road, tell jokes, sell art & smoke spliffs. After breaking up with my boyfriend, I was faced with many ways to interpret my life: who am I and what do I want for my life? I could choose to live in fear and play it safe, or I could choose to take a leap of faith and believe that the Universe is on my side.

What do I have to lose?

Since deciding to make the move & go on the road, so much goodness has come into my life. I've been booking a shit ton of road shows. Friends have offered me rooms and couches to sleep on. I've sold art. I've made money doing standup. 

It reminds me of the teaching of Jesus from the book of Matthew: "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

Putting aside gender being ascribed to an Infinite Being, I can still find a valuable interpretation of this teaching: seek goodness first and goodness will follow. Inevitably, things will go wrong, but inevitable things will also go right. I can interpret the world with negativity and anxiety while living in fear and doubt, or I can have faith and seek goodness, truth, honesty and authenticity.

There are multiple ways for me to interpret this moment in a cabin smoking a spliff with my blind dog, and there are multiple ways for me to see my future. I am not destined for a life that is out of my control. I will not sit passively by and just let life happen to me. Rather, I choose to have faith and trust that God or the Universe or Nature is inherently on my side. After all, I know that I have made it this far in my life through my 20s: through a divorce, the death of my father, moving to New York. I've made it this far and have come out stronger and wiser at the other end. Struggle is inevitable, but with every struggle is a blessing, and I will choose to be grateful for the free cake. 

I realized my flashlight was actually blinding me from seeing what was beyond its stretch of beam. My flashlight only allowed me to see that which was in its light and blinded me from that which was outside it. My flashlight made the dark, darker.

As much as we believe in certain truths about the world, often times, these truths are not the full story. Our truths are informed by our experiences, but these truths are only one way of interpreting the world. We get within a limited box of beliefs about the world and who we are, and we miss out on the opportunity to see the world more broadly, calmly, with a clearer awareness. If we let go of out limiting assumptions, we are opening our eyes to that which lies outside the beams of the flashlight.

Though flashlights serve a purpose, when I turned off my flashlight, I was able to see the stars.

By: Amanda Holstien

The future is uncertain. We can try and predict what's ahead, but change inevitably comes.

I’m sitting outside a cabin, looking at the stars, thinking about what has brought me here, and what is ahead. My boyfriend and I just broke up, and while on tour in Texas, I decided I would buy a car and go on the road. For a long time, I’ve known I wanted to buy a car and go on the road to sell my art and do comedy. I wasn’t sure how seriously to take those thoughts until it hit me a few days ago, while floating along the river in New Braunfels: what if I actually buy a car and actually go on the road? What if I actually do the things I dream about?

So many times I said to my therapist, “I just want to buy a car and go on the road,” but never really took those dreams that seriously. There are so many unknowns when you make a big decision like letting go of a relationship, buying a car, and selling most of your shit to live the life you’re passionate about. I could name so many reasons to doubt, “What if this?” “What about that?” but those doubts are not necessary truths about the world. Doubts are rooted in fear of the unknown. Doubts are rooted in fear. While fear is good for protecting us from harm, fear is also limiting; fear can also keep us from trying new things and ultimately, growth. 

Often times, we take our doubts so seriously, but why should our doubts carry more weight than our hopes? “What if something goes wrong?” Well, what if something goes right? Inevitably, things will go right, and things will go wrong along the way, but one of the primary philosophies behind the way I live my life is, “What would I look back on my life and wish I had done?” I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to grow. I want to meet my potential. I want, when faced with fear, doubts, uncertainty, I have the courage to push beyond them and live life, not based on fear, but on my own terms. I accept that the future is uncertain and change is inevitable, and I persist regardless.

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By: Amanda Holstien

Life is not linear. Stay with me. Life appears to be linear because there seems to be some progression of time. We age. Time marches on. But this perception of time is limited to our individual experiences. Remember: the universe is infinite. Close your eyes and take a deep breath right now and remind yourself: "The Universe is Infinite."

Or don't. Whatever you want. 

A lot of people are upset about Trump. A lot of people think it's a step backwards. Trump getting elected is not a step backwards: It's a step to the side. Out of the line. Out of our narrow perception of what we thought was possible. "What do you mean there's not a linear progression of things? What do you mean things didn't go the way I hoped?"

Historically speaking, there has never been a linear progression of things towards a greater good. History is filled with fluctuations and responses to previous infinitely complex circumstances. Yes, currently, hate appears to be on the rise and probably actually is in some areas. Hate and fear  seemingly loom everywhere (especially outside of my beautiful bubble of NYC). Perhaps, though, rather than allowing fear and hate to loom around, we should take the extra moment to combat that hate and fear by choosing to be kind to people instead. That's what I've decided to do: to be kind. Being kind is a daily, moment to moment choice. In all your interactions with people, don't let your neurosis and baggage dictate your interactions: chose to be kind to people instead. If you're kind and someone isn't kind back, let it go. Spread kindness.

And pay attention. To what is going on, on a large scale, as well as on an individual basis. Pay attention to what is being fed to you: Kendall Jenner, Syrian Refugees, Brad and Angelina broke up, the Great Barrier Reef is Dead. While the end of the world is looming, take a moment and separate yourself from it. Take a deep breath and take great comfort in knowing everything has always been fucked. After you've taken that deep breath, ask yourself what you can do on an individual basis. Maybe you choose to stop clicking on links about celebrity. Maybe you pick up a book with substance, you know the ones. Maybe you actively speak out against hate. Maybe you "like" someones post because you know they'd appreciate it. 

Anyway, in summation or whatever: 1) There is no linear progression of things because the universe is infinite, therefore it is not bound to our limited projection of time 2) be kind and 3) pay attention. Namaste or go fuck yourself, whatever brings you peace. 

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By: Amanda Kay Holstien, Sr.

This is not a manifesto. Broadly, this is a reflection on what it is to be a human, having both basic animal instincts as well as higher functioning capabilities. Specifically, this is a reflection on pornography and the objectification of women. For the purposes of this reflection, when I say "men," I am referring to straight men in general and no man in particular, as I am well-aware there are plenty of men who are already aware of the issues I bring up in this reflection. I love men! Some of my best friends are men!

At its core, sex is not a moral issue. Human beings are, essentially, animals: our ultimate goal is to survive and reproduce. I maintain that this animal essence is why men want to fuck and watch porn, generally and substantially, more than women.  Perhaps men, when objectifying women, are just tapped into their animal-side, the unconscious desire to reproduce. This animal-side is not essentially wrong in any moral sense, but rather, the animal-side is simply basic. Shoveling food into our mouths is also basic and animalistic.

Ultimately, however, human beings have higher capabilities than solely animal instincts. Human beings have consciousness, which allows us the ability to contemplate our animal instincts and chose to change those behaviors. Along with consciousness, human beings have empathy. Empathy is the ability to imagine oneself in the position of another and identify with their thoughts and feelings as if they are your own. Empathy is a higher level mental function and distinguishes humans from most other animals. That humans try to save the weak is a product of empathy. 

That humans are not existentially only animal is why I am now suggesting that men ought to remind themselves, perhaps regularly, that women are not objects. It is understood that men might objectify women from a basic, evolutionary standpoint, but I ask that men also remember their more complex capabilities like empathy. 

Pornography touts women as objects, and if unchecked, this assumption can carry over beyond the world of animalistic fantasy and lead to the unconscious further objectification of women. Unconscious bias and the objectification of women is harmful because women are not then viewed as equally capable as men and thus are not given the same opportunities. (This problem is amplified for women of color, as race comes with another layer of assumptions and baggage.)

In summation, this general reflection distinguishes human beings as both animals with basic, evolutionarily-driven functions as well as capable of higher-level reasoning. I suggest, in this reflection, that pornography is fueled by our basic functions, but that, if unchecked by our higher capabilities, this basic function can lead to the harmful objectification of women.

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Processing the election. I guess there's really only so much I can do at this point. Probably best to not get too anxious about the future given that there are infinite possibilities. Some people seem very anxious, afraid; I think it's making me feel anxious, afraid. Worrying solves nothing, yet I worry. I feel dread, yet I know this is just life. All I can do is just keep trying to make the best of life. Sometimes I feel scared, like I'm sort of just floating around with few attachments to make me feel safe. I do what I can physically to make me feel better mentally: yoga, meditate, eat healthy, get sleep, write, go out. Lately, I have been pacing around, unmotivated, distracted, uncentered, insecure. I don't know if this sudden influx of anxiety in my life is related to the election or it's some other, deeper existential dread that's always lying just below the surface of my experiences. Probably the latter. That's comforting, remembering that everything is meaningless. 

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"What If" by Shel Silverstein

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pol?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow taller?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!

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It's the holidays; of course I'm sad.

When you’re a child, if you’ve had any luck in the world, the holidays are mostly good memories- lights, food, family, presents wrapped in fun paper topped with shiny bows. Appropriately, when you’re an adult, those good memories will make you sad: things have changed and so have you and so has everyone else.

It’s sad how things change. I’m not going to offer an inspiring message on how to suppress your feelings. I think it’s good to be sad and to let yourself feel sad. Perhaps the holidays can be a time to reflect, and with any luck, gain a deeper perspective.

Perspective and wisdom and real peace can only come from letting yourself feel the things you try to not let yourself feel.
 
During this time of year, it can be especially easy to just eat and eat (or drink) and let the invisible tension build while you try to drown it out with the flashing lights of the television and your electronic devices. That is certainly much easier and less messy than tears, than saying what you’re really feeling. Than opening up and being honest with the very people who will be with you for the rest of your life.

All I can offer you at this time of year is empathy. I know it’s hard, but perhaps it wouldn’t be a complete disaster if you let yourself really feel what you act like you’re not feeling. If you let yourself be honest with those who love you. If you let yourself be real. If you truly connected with your supposed loved ones. Maybe it would bring you all closer together.

Or maybe it will make you feel even more alone, but at least you’ll be alone with yourself. At least you’ll know what you’re really feeling. At least you’ll be aware and connected to yourself, rather than living in a tense, anxious repressed almost vegetative state.

I hope this reflection in helpful to you. Please remember that you’re not alone, and the holidays will be over soon.

Love and strength to you,
Amanda

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This post is an excerpt from an extended reflection I sent to subscribers of the Cult of All Good Things. This reflection is in light of the attacks on Paris. 

 

Will it ever get better? Not while we're alive.

The type of restructuring that needs to happen in the Middle East (or anywhere, really) will take generations born into new environments. Psychological change, while possible, is incredibly difficult and never completely perfect. The current generation of terrorists are not likely to change (maybe a few, but not many) - I mean, I once had a traumatic experience with tuna and I still can't eat it. To this very day. 

So:
Should we just kill the terrorists?
What message are they trying to send?
What does it mean that I use words like "terrorist" and "they"?
To what extent am I just believing what the media tells me?

Oh how awful and complicated it all is. The only thing I can think right now is that none of this is about me. That this is a time for reflection, not within but outwards. What are the Parisians feeling? What's the perspective of the terrorists? What has brought this all about? Empathy is the word. Empathy is the thing to evoke in such situations. Otherwise, your self-absorbed opinion just makes you a narrow-minded, ignorant idiot. 

Anyway, I anticipate this email has brought you down, but what's so wrong with feeling sad? Why is happiness more valued than sadness? Sadness and darkness are essential parts of what it is to be a human, and understanding that brings you one step closer to wisdom, perspective. It makes you real. 

Love and Strength to You,
Amanda Kay Holstien, Sr.

 

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