Day 2 of my trip, and I am in Mississippi. Every time I’m in Mississippi, something weird happens. Accordingly, I find myself a little on edge tonight. Afraid of the dark, the unknown, that which presumably hides just beyond the beam of light.

Fear.

My past experiences inform my current interpretation of reality, and my interpretation of Mississippi is: shit gets weird. Look out.

I know I am safe in my cabin, so I lock myself in with a clear view of the door. Fear is funny that way, the way it dictates our behaviors and assumptions.

The reality that exists outside of my fears is: there are infinite circumstances out of my control. Worrying beyond a certain level of precaution becomes irrational, a spiraling cloud gathering all other thoughts into its vortex.

I know, rationally, there is a reality apart from the cloud of fear. Many meditation teachers call this reality, the blue sky. Our thoughts are like clouds that come, go, change over time and dissipate. We need not take our thoughts so seriously, but rather, remember the blue sky, remember a reality that exists outside of our limiting interpretations of reality.

Even if our interpretation of reality is rooted in some realness: my past experiences in Mississippi have been weird as fuck, so my survival brain reacts accordingly: protect, be aware. But I must also remember the blue sky.

I could spend my whole life living in fear, caught up in clouds that seem real, but these cloud-like thoughts are just that: coming, going, changing over time and eventually, dissipate.

I know I am safe tonight, and I’m sure I will sleep well, but there’s a lesson in the experience: our current interpretation of reality may be based on past experiences. My anxiety comes from my past weird experiences in Mississippi, and this feeling is natural, an animalistic instinct for self-preservation. However, if I were to live my whole life in fear based on two or three strange encounters, then I am just limiting myself. There exists an Infinite, big beautiful blue sky, and if I get too focused on the clouds (fear, anxiety, the need for self-preservation), then I miss out on the greatness of the present moment, and only there can one find true peace.

Good night, lovers. 

by: Amanda Kay Holstien, Sr.

Today is my first day on the road. I'm heading how to Texas and Louisiana to do 2 weeks of shows (come check them out & say hi!). 

I'm sitting in a cabin with my dog in Virginia, smoking a spliff (naturally). 

Sometimes it feels like my life is a dream - everything that has come together to bring me to this place here, now: the death of my father, my divorce, moving to New York on my own. Sometimes it feels like my life has already been written. Sometimes it feels like I'm the one who writes it. 

I'm turning 30 this month, which is significant in some symbolic way. Age is ultimately an arbitrary number used for measuring and categorization, but if that age ends in a zero, it somehow feels significant. I'm not bothered about turning 30. In some way, I've always felt like an old soul - studying the Bible instead of going to parties in high school. 

I don't believe in God in the same way I used to believe in God. I now believe that God or the Universe or Whatever is much bigger than our limited consciousness allows us to imagine. If there does exist some Divine Good far larger than the Universe itself, then surely that Infinite Being is much more complex than the dogma & rules we ascribe to It.

What I do believe is the Universe is inherently good. I can't explain in some analytic, logical way why or how evil exists if the Universe is inherently good, but I do know that with every struggle comes an opportunity for growth. With every road block and time things don't go perfectly, there also exists a chance to gain wisdom, insight and gain a deeper insight into the beautiful complexity that it is to exist.

It has taken an immense amount of faith to bring me to this cabin with my blind dog, smoking a spliff, but I have come to trust that the Universe is on my side the more I seek goodness, truth and authenticity. I'm aware what I'm saying might come off as hoakey or like Oprah's episode about The Secret, but stay with me as I explain.

Think about it this way: reality exists outside of our interpretation of it. For example: Let's say I am with a friend at lunch. At the end of our meal, the waiter brings us a free dessert. My friend loves dessert, and is thrilled at the blessing of chocolate cake without a fee. On the other hand, I am upset by the free cake because I am on a diet and the cake is a temptation for me, and if I eat it, I will gain weight and thus be unlovable (or something like that). The reality that exists outside of our interpretations is: the free cake given to us. In this situation, my friend and I have two totally different ways of interpreting the same reality: my friend is positive and grateful, while I am annoyed and riddled with anxiety.

Reality exists outside of our interpretation of it. There are multiple ways for us to interpret any given scenario of our lives: positively, negatively or with indifference. Ultimately, however, we have a choice on our interpretation. 

I recently decided to get rid of most my shit, buy a car to go on the road, tell jokes, sell art & smoke spliffs. After breaking up with my boyfriend, I was faced with many ways to interpret my life: who am I and what do I want for my life? I could choose to live in fear and play it safe, or I could choose to take a leap of faith and believe that the Universe is on my side.

What do I have to lose?

Since deciding to make the move & go on the road, so much goodness has come into my life. I've been booking a shit ton of road shows. Friends have offered me rooms and couches to sleep on. I've sold art. I've made money doing standup. 

It reminds me of the teaching of Jesus from the book of Matthew: "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

Putting aside gender being ascribed to an Infinite Being, I can still find a valuable interpretation of this teaching: seek goodness first and goodness will follow. Inevitably, things will go wrong, but inevitable things will also go right. I can interpret the world with negativity and anxiety while living in fear and doubt, or I can have faith and seek goodness, truth, honesty and authenticity.

There are multiple ways for me to interpret this moment in a cabin smoking a spliff with my blind dog, and there are multiple ways for me to see my future. I am not destined for a life that is out of my control. I will not sit passively by and just let life happen to me. Rather, I choose to have faith and trust that God or the Universe or Nature is inherently on my side. After all, I know that I have made it this far in my life through my 20s: through a divorce, the death of my father, moving to New York. I've made it this far and have come out stronger and wiser at the other end. Struggle is inevitable, but with every struggle is a blessing, and I will choose to be grateful for the free cake. 

I realized my flashlight was actually blinding me from seeing what was beyond its stretch of beam. My flashlight only allowed me to see that which was in its light and blinded me from that which was outside it. My flashlight made the dark, darker.

As much as we believe in certain truths about the world, often times, these truths are not the full story. Our truths are informed by our experiences, but these truths are only one way of interpreting the world. We get within a limited box of beliefs about the world and who we are, and we miss out on the opportunity to see the world more broadly, calmly, with a clearer awareness. If we let go of out limiting assumptions, we are opening our eyes to that which lies outside the beams of the flashlight.

Though flashlights serve a purpose, when I turned off my flashlight, I was able to see the stars.

By: Amanda Holstien

The future is uncertain. We can try and predict what's ahead, but change inevitably comes.

I’m sitting outside a cabin, looking at the stars, thinking about what has brought me here, and what is ahead. My boyfriend and I just broke up, and while on tour in Texas, I decided I would buy a car and go on the road. For a long time, I’ve known I wanted to buy a car and go on the road to sell my art and do comedy. I wasn’t sure how seriously to take those thoughts until it hit me a few days ago, while floating along the river in New Braunfels: what if I actually buy a car and actually go on the road? What if I actually do the things I dream about?

So many times I said to my therapist, “I just want to buy a car and go on the road,” but never really took those dreams that seriously. There are so many unknowns when you make a big decision like letting go of a relationship, buying a car, and selling most of your shit to live the life you’re passionate about. I could name so many reasons to doubt, “What if this?” “What about that?” but those doubts are not necessary truths about the world. Doubts are rooted in fear of the unknown. Doubts are rooted in fear. While fear is good for protecting us from harm, fear is also limiting; fear can also keep us from trying new things and ultimately, growth. 

Often times, we take our doubts so seriously, but why should our doubts carry more weight than our hopes? “What if something goes wrong?” Well, what if something goes right? Inevitably, things will go right, and things will go wrong along the way, but one of the primary philosophies behind the way I live my life is, “What would I look back on my life and wish I had done?” I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to grow. I want to meet my potential. I want, when faced with fear, doubts, uncertainty, I have the courage to push beyond them and live life, not based on fear, but on my own terms. I accept that the future is uncertain and change is inevitable, and I persist regardless.

Often times, we see in others a reflection of what we are most afraid of ourselves. Fear of failure-of never making it, fear of loss, fear of not being good enough, fear of the unknown. Being aware of these fears is the first step to moving beyond them, to being resilient, to keep trying & striving for self-improvement, serenity. 

As often as I can, in the morning, before I reach for my phone, I pray for wisdom, courage, joy, serenity & love. Before fear, projections, & the noise of the day has time to creep in, I choose to be aware. 

"Magdalene—The Seven Devils"
by Marie Howe

“Mary, called Magdalene, from whom seven devils had been cast out”
Luke 8:2

The first was that I was very busy.

The second—I was different from you: whatever happened to you could
not happen to me, not like that.

The third—I worried.

The fourth—envy, disguised as compassion.

The fifth was that I refused to consider the quality of life of the aphid,
The aphid disgusted me.  But I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
The mosquito too—its face.    And the ant—its bifurcated body.

Ok   the first was that I was so busy. 

The second that I might make the wrong choice,
because I had decided to take that plane that day,
that flight, before noon, so as to arrive early
and, I shouldn’t have wanted that.
The third was that if I walked past the certain place on the street
the house would blow up.   

The fourth was that I was made of guts and blood with a thin layer
of skin lightly thrown over the whole thing.

The fifth was that the dead seemed more alive to me than the living

The sixth—if I touched my right arm I had to touch my left arm, and if I
touchedthe left arm a little harder than I’d first touched the right then I had
to retouch the left and then touch the right again so it would be even.  

The seventh—I knew I was breathing the expelled breath of everything that
was alive, and I couldn’t stand it.
I wanted a sieve, a mask, a, I hate this word—cheesecloth—
to breath through that would trap it—whatever was inside everyone else that
entered me when I breathed in.

No.  That was the first one.

The second was that I was so busy.  I had no time.   How had this happened?
How had our lives gotten like this?

The third was that I couldn’t eat food if I really saw it—distinct, separate
from me in a bowl or on a plate. 

Ok. The first was that. I could never get to the end of the list.
The second was that the laundry was never finally done.

The third was that no one knew me, although they thought they did.
And that if people thought of me as little as I thought of them then what was
love?  

The fourth was I didn’t belong to anyone. I wouldn’t allow myself to belong
to anyone.

The fifth was that I knew none of us could ever know what we didn’t know.

The sixth was that I projected onto others what I myself was feeling.

The seventh was the way my mother looked   when she was dying, 
the sound she made—her mouth wrenched to the right and cupped open
so as to take in as much air… the gurgling sound, so loud
we had to speak louder to hear each other over it.

And that I couldn’t stop hearing it—years later—grocery shopping, crossing the street—

No, not the sound—it was   her body’s hunger
finally evident—what our mother had hidden all her life.

For months I dreamt of knucklebones and roots,   
the slabs of sidewalk pushed up like crooked teeth by what grew underneath.

The underneath.  That was the first devil.   It was always with me
And that I didn’t think you—if I told you—would understand any of this—

"Dead King"
by: Amanda Kay Holstien, Sr.

You are my Dead King
where even in my dreams
you reign
but with a shaky scepter-
Your skin, grey and soft,
sinking.
I could've sworn you were dead,
yet there you are
teetering amongst us,
a little drunk, it seems-
the truth, not so far off in dreams.
I go to hug you
and your body melts.
What was once a great ruler, now
draped in dark and dust.
Daddy, King
you too have fallen
amongst the many men you thought you were invincible. 
Now, I am no longer
easily convincible
that you were a god.
I believed in you though
up till now-
where here you are before me
behind a smokey screen, in my dreams-
where even now you fall
flat, hard, a heavy pillar,
now shattered into large chunks and ashy pieces-
piece, piece, rest in peace
my once alive and now Dead King.

"A Song for Light and Dark"
by: Amanda Kay Holstien, Sr.

If the gate slams before me,
you can find me
rolling in the dust
or bathing in the mud.

The carcass hands on the wall,
bleeding before us all,
but your hero's been gone too long,
so you start singing a somber song.

Fall in and out of love,
you fit me like OJ's glove.
Where once we were inseparable,
now we're incompatible.

But I'm trying to keep it light,
I'm trying to keep it light,
trying to find the light,
keep fighting,
though I'm scared
and breathing
that heavy air.

Acid and Adderall
fills the void
after all.
My body's a temple
for you-
just put it in your mouth,
consume, consume, consume.

But the song's not over yet;
I've got a whole pack of cigarettes.
With a backpack
and no regrets,
I must be on my way.

I once heard a river
weeping for her mother
and her long lost brother
in the metaphorical war.

I've got prison letters
from a man I once called home.

Pairing a white gown
with some high heels
and a red frown.
A honeymoon in Disney World,
the older man
and his blue girl.

But the leaves started turning green,
the night that you left me.

If the gate slams before me,
you can find me
blooming
in the dust,
I flourish
in the mud.

I'm but a blossom,
blooming in the dead of night.

"Enlightenment, or: Contradiction, Unsettled"
by Amanda Kay Holstien, Sr.

Cheyenne, kombucha
& natural cigarettes;
acid & yoga:
am I enlightened yet?
Meditate when I'm angry
& smoke when I'm sad;
it's hard 2 b a woman
w/so many guys named Chad.

I found a razor in an ashtray
on the Upper East Side;
all my friends are snorting snow,
and I'm trying
to keep
my stride.

Still though,
I know
not necessarily
does every
truth
have a rhyme
or rhythm
or calming effect.

Life is form, unhinged:
I am a flower blossoming
after being
plucked.
Both flourishing
& degrading:
fasting,
but not to be thin.
Or maybe thinness second,
Enlightenment first;
thinness, a happy accident.

One foot in my body,
a twitch in my third eye,
let's roll another doobie,
& pray we get real high,
like the first time.

Still I try
to find
my intuition,
only
to find
life, a contradiction,
unsettled. 

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by: Amanda Kay Holstien

What if I don’t know anybody?
What if they’re all dicks?
What if he falls out of love with me?
What if I never make it?
What am I working towards?
Why is she further along?
What if I compare myself,
But my comparison is actually wrong?
Evaluating my time like it’s money
And my decisions, commodities
Like buying stocks
When I’m ill informed of what tomorrow might bring.
Luck and hard work
Plus ego and delusion
Equals: why should it happen for me?
Self-doubt for 29 years is too long,
I could’ve died by now and never had the chance to change it-
I could be pregnant,
Barefoot in the kitchen with only dreams of fucking another man,
Praying my husband doesn’t think of another woman.
I feel I’m floating, like a lucky feather,
Fluttering and uncomfortable in any one place.

Please leave me alone,
So I have time to contemplate
All the ways in which I’m not good enough.
It’s sad, really,
To feel alone amongst so many friends.
Authenticity died with Sartre,
Yet hell remains the Other.
What if I perish
Without having published?
What if inspiration never comes
And my emotions are never given a proper name?
What if we think we’re so different,
When we’re really, mostly the same?
What if all the right questions
Still don’t lead to a satisfying conclusion?
What if what I believe to be true
Is actually just an illusion?

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By: Amanda Holstien

Life is not linear. Stay with me. Life appears to be linear because there seems to be some progression of time. We age. Time marches on. But this perception of time is limited to our individual experiences. Remember: the universe is infinite. Close your eyes and take a deep breath right now and remind yourself: "The Universe is Infinite."

Or don't. Whatever you want. 

A lot of people are upset about Trump. A lot of people think it's a step backwards. Trump getting elected is not a step backwards: It's a step to the side. Out of the line. Out of our narrow perception of what we thought was possible. "What do you mean there's not a linear progression of things? What do you mean things didn't go the way I hoped?"

Historically speaking, there has never been a linear progression of things towards a greater good. History is filled with fluctuations and responses to previous infinitely complex circumstances. Yes, currently, hate appears to be on the rise and probably actually is in some areas. Hate and fear  seemingly loom everywhere (especially outside of my beautiful bubble of NYC). Perhaps, though, rather than allowing fear and hate to loom around, we should take the extra moment to combat that hate and fear by choosing to be kind to people instead. That's what I've decided to do: to be kind. Being kind is a daily, moment to moment choice. In all your interactions with people, don't let your neurosis and baggage dictate your interactions: chose to be kind to people instead. If you're kind and someone isn't kind back, let it go. Spread kindness.

And pay attention. To what is going on, on a large scale, as well as on an individual basis. Pay attention to what is being fed to you: Kendall Jenner, Syrian Refugees, Brad and Angelina broke up, the Great Barrier Reef is Dead. While the end of the world is looming, take a moment and separate yourself from it. Take a deep breath and take great comfort in knowing everything has always been fucked. After you've taken that deep breath, ask yourself what you can do on an individual basis. Maybe you choose to stop clicking on links about celebrity. Maybe you pick up a book with substance, you know the ones. Maybe you actively speak out against hate. Maybe you "like" someones post because you know they'd appreciate it. 

Anyway, in summation or whatever: 1) There is no linear progression of things because the universe is infinite, therefore it is not bound to our limited projection of time 2) be kind and 3) pay attention. Namaste or go fuck yourself, whatever brings you peace. 

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By: Amanda Kay Holstien, Sr.

This is not a manifesto. Broadly, this is a reflection on what it is to be a human, having both basic animal instincts as well as higher functioning capabilities. Specifically, this is a reflection on pornography and the objectification of women. For the purposes of this reflection, when I say "men," I am referring to straight men in general and no man in particular, as I am well-aware there are plenty of men who are already aware of the issues I bring up in this reflection. I love men! Some of my best friends are men!

At its core, sex is not a moral issue. Human beings are, essentially, animals: our ultimate goal is to survive and reproduce. I maintain that this animal essence is why men want to fuck and watch porn, generally and substantially, more than women.  Perhaps men, when objectifying women, are just tapped into their animal-side, the unconscious desire to reproduce. This animal-side is not essentially wrong in any moral sense, but rather, the animal-side is simply basic. Shoveling food into our mouths is also basic and animalistic.

Ultimately, however, human beings have higher capabilities than solely animal instincts. Human beings have consciousness, which allows us the ability to contemplate our animal instincts and chose to change those behaviors. Along with consciousness, human beings have empathy. Empathy is the ability to imagine oneself in the position of another and identify with their thoughts and feelings as if they are your own. Empathy is a higher level mental function and distinguishes humans from most other animals. That humans try to save the weak is a product of empathy. 

That humans are not existentially only animal is why I am now suggesting that men ought to remind themselves, perhaps regularly, that women are not objects. It is understood that men might objectify women from a basic, evolutionary standpoint, but I ask that men also remember their more complex capabilities like empathy. 

Pornography touts women as objects, and if unchecked, this assumption can carry over beyond the world of animalistic fantasy and lead to the unconscious further objectification of women. Unconscious bias and the objectification of women is harmful because women are not then viewed as equally capable as men and thus are not given the same opportunities. (This problem is amplified for women of color, as race comes with another layer of assumptions and baggage.)

In summation, this general reflection distinguishes human beings as both animals with basic, evolutionarily-driven functions as well as capable of higher-level reasoning. I suggest, in this reflection, that pornography is fueled by our basic functions, but that, if unchecked by our higher capabilities, this basic function can lead to the harmful objectification of women.

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Processing the election. I guess there's really only so much I can do at this point. Probably best to not get too anxious about the future given that there are infinite possibilities. Some people seem very anxious, afraid; I think it's making me feel anxious, afraid. Worrying solves nothing, yet I worry. I feel dread, yet I know this is just life. All I can do is just keep trying to make the best of life. Sometimes I feel scared, like I'm sort of just floating around with few attachments to make me feel safe. I do what I can physically to make me feel better mentally: yoga, meditate, eat healthy, get sleep, write, go out. Lately, I have been pacing around, unmotivated, distracted, uncentered, insecure. I don't know if this sudden influx of anxiety in my life is related to the election or it's some other, deeper existential dread that's always lying just below the surface of my experiences. Probably the latter. That's comforting, remembering that everything is meaningless. 

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How long have you lived here?
How long have you been afraid?
How long have you been angry?
How long have you not know what you are feeling?
How long have you been codependent?
Do you know what that means?
Are you self-aware?
Do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Do you want a cigarette
or does someone else
and you are mistaking their thoughts and feelings as your own?

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"The first draft is perfect," says the lazy man afraid to confront his imperfections. Afraid of feelings. Afraid of shattering his ego, thus gaining wisdom.

More of the same! More of the same!

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Women are objects, haven't you heard? It's why men and women can never be friends - because they want to fuck us, and we just want them to listen.

Men are the other, haven't you heard? 

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Religion is helpful for a lot of people, like when alternate side parking is suspended because it's Shemini Atzereth.

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You are not your thoughts.
At least that's what the meditation app tells me.

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What's the worse that could happen?
And then what?

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"Everything is Waiting for You"
- David Whyte

Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into
the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you