For those of you who listen to my podcast, A Thousand Serious Moves, you probably already know that my dog and good friend Tupes passed away last Saturday. It has been a rough week in more than one way, and I have been trying my hardest to take it easy. Of course I understand the irony of that statement: trying my hardest to take it easy.

It has been 9 days since I smoked a cigarette, and I am approaching 24 hours without a piece of nicotine gum. I mean, why not quit nicotine the same week your dog passes on? Maybe that’s why I’ve been irritable…

I can see barriers and blockages being smashed and removed, but it’s hard to see clearly while the dust is still settling. I often wonder if I am enough. Yes, even me.

I’ll give myself a break.

Why are things one way or the other, and how do I change my perspective?

Sometimes I check my email, expecting a breakthrough.

The astrologers say September is a tough month, and November will be too. If I can just stay out of my head and relax a little bit, that’ll probably help.

What am I, trying to be famous or something? I’ve been reading the Arbatel, which reiterates the same message in the Sacred Magic of Abramelin the Mage and the same message we hear in 12 step programs: All for the glory of God and in service of our fellow man.

How can I contribute to the good and inject healing into the greater consciousness? Write? Be kind to myself and be kind to others?

I recently heard of this notion “compare and despair.” It is where one compares oneself to others and then feels like shit about oneself because one doesn't measure up. This is a deeper layer of healing than I had previously been aware of, all reiterating the need to go inward.

Things will probably be a little softer in a week when my brain chemistry is a little more stable after getting off nicotine.

For a moment, I’ll reflect on a few good things, like sleeping in a king sized bed, marigolds blooming in the courtyard, green tomatoes finally starting to turn red. I am grateful for spirit contact and fresh air, walks in the evening and practicing self-acceptance one day at a time.
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Be blessed, my friends.
Love,

Amanda Holstien